This totally sucks. I'm in Oregon. I know I promised more about the CA trip, but I just don't have the emotional energy to do it. I'll just leave it at Yuma, Az was beautiful and dry and hot, it was fun to see Katie, grandma makes me crazy, and I got burned on my way out. When I got here, I walked into a sad and sucky situation. My papa is dying, more or less. We've known for a while that he would die at some point, and several times thought it would be very soon, only to be surprised by his sheer will to survive. But this time, it seems like his heart is going to give out, whether he is ready or not. We keep going to the hospital where he is right now, because he had gall stones that blocked him up and turned him yellow. We've kinda been wondering what was going on, and today we ahd a chance to talk to his doctor when he was at dialysis, and his prognosis is not good. Thankfully, the doctor was quite frank with us, which will helps us understand what is happening and what papa's options are. (Really, the worst part in all this dying mess is that papa knows exactly what is happening, and understands it all. It would be so much easier if he was out of it and unaware of his body failing.) Basically, all of the options he has are various levels of suck. He can stay in the hospital, only to die there. He can go to rehab, in theory to regain strength, but in all likelihood to die there, soon. He can try to be able to sit up, so he can come home and continue dialysis. Or he can give up on dialysis altogether, and come home and watch his birds for 1-7 days, until the toxins in his system build up to the point that they are lethal. The last option may happen in a few weeks anyway, if he deterioates any more. See, it sucks all around.

So far, grammy is holding up well, considering. She has seen this coming for a long time. He was diagnosed with the heart issues 15 years ago, and has been living on borrowed time for the last 3.5 years. My uncles are doing alright, but I am the one staying with grammy, so I get to talk to her about things. Because I am level-headed like my mom, I get asked to do things. Like telling my younger uncle that his father is likely going to die in the near future. Or telling my grandfather that if he wants to give up treatment and come home to die, we are willing to get him a bed so he can die watching his birds on the back porch. Sometimes it sucks to be an adult. It sucks to have to try to be strong to support others. It sucks to have to help someone weigh their options and decide how they want to die.

So much for a vacation at the end of the summer.

Oh, and I still have my job interview tomorrow. Right before we go talk to the palliative care people.